Life

"We reach moments in our lives when a truth appears. A truth that..."

I don't really know what to say at the moment except that we should all look around us once in a while and really appreciate the world for the wondrous thing that it is. I heard an argument for God once that said that this wonder could not be random, therefore God made it. I like that. My form of God is different though.

It is a popular new age teaching that we create our own reality. I create my problems and make them as big and as hated as I want. What is to say we can't change that? I know that fear seems to be my biggest de-motivator. I sat there tonight, phone in hand, just too afraid to dial the number. I am too afraid of what will be on the other end. But if I wait too long, I may lose my chance forever.

I have done some things in the past year that I am not too proud of. Especially tonight. I can see just how trivial pride can really be. Ironic isn't it. Although fear and pride together are the worst.

ESFP - was it that hard to make the phone call? was it really that hard to say?

Pain is an odd emotion. But I never was un-happy. Does that make all the difference? I met a guy down at taft who asked me to type up a book for him. He has been telling me about the sacredness of truth. It hits home. I know. So much for "Little White Lies"

Time is a funny thing. WE never know what will happen tomorrow. That scares me. But remember: No fear, No regrets. Time has a lot to do with perseption. Time flies when you are having fun. I can't believe it has almost been a year now. And 2 and a half years. wow.

So go out and breathe. Trust me. It is the little things in life that matter.

Sorry for the incoherentness of this post. My mind is not together right now. Sorry.

I wish I could do more....

The Mark List

This is a list of things to live by that I wrote based on my time hanging out with Mark. If you don't know who Mark is ask me later. We were friends before I came to Rice.

• Be nice to Everyone.
Mark was the kind of person that would do something nice for anyone, even if that person wasn't nice to him.

• Money is great, but be willing to give some to someone in need.
There was one time when I was riding with Mark over to the new house when he saw a car on the side of the road that seemed to be out of gas. He pulled over and asked the driver what was wrong. The driver told him that he was on his way to work and didn't have any money and ran out of gas. Mark immediately pulled out $5 and gave it to him. What I nice thing to do, I thought. We climbed back into Mark's truck and he noticed that he needed gas as well so we drove over to the gas station. When we got there, Mark pulled out $2 and was about to jump out of the truck. I asked him if that was all he was putting in. His response was "That's all I have". I offered to loan him $10. He looked down. "No, this is ALL I have" meaning that there wasn't any more money anywhere else. He had gaved almost all of the money that he had to help the man who was out of gas. Even if it put him in a similar situation. I payed for the gas.

• Be Spontaneous, You'll get where you are going eventually.
This is the one that I actively quote. You may have heard me say it before. Going anywhere with Mark was an adventure because we would spontaneously stop at about 4 different places before hand. We never got anywhere very fast. And it was great!

• Don't be scaried to say "I Love You"
Mark said "I love you" to everyone he considered a real friend. Me, Steve, my mom, My grandmother, the list goes on and on. He believed that people are way to reserved about saying it. (It always made Steve uncomfortable).

• These is no such thing as "Luck"
This is the only one that I may seem to not do for. I am always saying that I am lucky. But I think that Mark's definition of Luck is a tad bit different then mine. I believe that luck is the magic of life. It is the things in our lives that make us happy. Mark used the term to mean that if you had it everything was easy and you didn't have to work for anything. I do believe this. I do have to work at get things. And when I do, I am creating my own luck.

• Have Faith and Read you Bible
Mark and I used to go to church together, which was always an adventure because of the people that Mark knew at the church. We were always the last to leave. But Mark had tremendous faith. One day, I will post thr story of the fisherman and the coin. Truely inspiring.

• Laugh, even when you have no good reason to do so.
I have a funky laugh and Mark used to try to make me laugh to hear it. He would also make himself laugh so hard that most of the time he could not finish the jokes that he started without calming down first.

• Candles are your friend
I remember the mornings waking up and coming into the kitchen and there being 20 candles burning around the living room. It was gorgeous and smelled wonderful. Mark would sneek in before we got up and cleaned up and lit candles. What a great way to wake up.

• Don't be afraid to have fun
This is Mark's way of saying don't grow up. Alway keep that child's perspective on things. Children view the world with magic. Most adult lose that. But despite it all, Mark still had it.

• Salvage
This one was the theme of the year. My parents had an architectural salvage store that I worked at in Highschool. But I have always been a salvager. Mark reminded me just how fun reusing junk is.

• Remember that guys suck
You know the sex talk that you are suppose to get from your parents? Well, I didn't get it from my parents. I got it from Mark. He warned me that all guys my age just want sex and that you can't trust any of them. He was just worried about me.

• You can do it.
He wrote this on every letter he sent me. I would always tell me that I could do anything that I set my mind to. (This is coming from a guy who thought I was a genious because I knew what 3 X 3 was.) :-)

Kenny says it better then I can.

Every now and then I get a little lost
My strings all get tangled, my wires all get crossed
Every now and then I'm right up on the edge
Dangling my toes out over the ledge

I have been known to get frazzled from time to time, usually by being extra stressed about something. Whether it be social strain or too much work, I can't seem to stop myself from getting frazzled. I keep being told about how little the things that I am crying about really are, and I think I know that, but I get into this generalities mode and therefore generalize things to bigger then just the specific activity. That, or I the real thing that is bothering is completely different from what set me off. When I am like this, I am like a trigger ready to be set off. Crying is like therpy, I feel better afterwards - I can focus better afterwards (once I stop crying) - things get better.

I know that I should look on the positive side of things, but I am addicted to this and I don't know how to stop. Call it a current charater flaw. I am not sure of any practical steps to take to lean the correct direction. Just stopping is definitely not working. It seems to just cause me to stress out even more. I just need to lean that direction.

I know that one day, something will happen that I really cry about. And that scares me more than anything. I don't think about that and instead focus on the present, for that is all that we really can do.

I know that I will look back and see that I have now more then I think that I do. And maybe I will look back and think that I can actually talk better then I think that I can. Verbally write better then I think that I can.

I think I can, I think I can. And he could. As can I. But why do I keep thinking about just letting it slip? I am not a quiter.

I've been looking for something
Something I've never seen
We're all looking for something
Something to be

Hartman Middle School

Ryan S and I went to Hartman middle school yesterday to do a swing demo/ swing history lesson. It was fun although it didn't turn out as well as we had hoped. I think 6 graders are a bit too young for partner dancing. (AHH! I have to touch a BOY!!) But we are going back again today to show some of the kids that didn't get to see us yesterday. We shall see how this day goes.

But more shocking then the fact that 6th graders can't sit still is the school itself. I went to use the restroom and realized that none of the stalls had toilet paper! I asked one of the little girls about the lack of toilet paper and she told me that they have to bring their own. Now, I know that the toilet paper could be stolen, but I would at least like to see a sign of toilet paper. Also, the girls stalls don't have trash cans so there were used things just sitting around and stuffed behind the toilet and such. It was gross. And there was no soap or soap dispenser or hand dryers. I am hoping that the new building that they are building have these things, but it makes me wonder about all of the schools that aren't getting a new building.

I knew that some of these schools are bad. I have heard Terry talk about his schools, but it is different seeing it myself. It is just sad. It almost makes me want to support the Robin-hood Program. It makes me thank my lucky stars that I went to the school that I did. It was public but it was an awesome highly ranked school.

Another thing that made me sad yesterday was the fact that language is such a barrier. there were class ruled that said "No language besides English is to be spoken in this classroom." And when I looked at the posters on the wall. Almost all of them had incomplete sentences and horrid grammar. In 6th Grade!!!

::sigh::

This is Amazing...

Ok, I know this is 2 guys, but i totally want to be able to dance like that. They look amazing!

A Repost from LJ

I wrote this on June 12, 2006 on my LJ. I had forgotten about it and just re-found it so I decided to repost it on blogger.

.......

why is it that I totally hate the most dominate philosophy/belief in society today? (think economics, not religion) There are 3 types of people in this world. those who work, those who don't, and those who live. Go ahead and chalk this up to youth, but maybe that is exactly what it is. I mean, youth has nothing to do with age. One of the youngest people I know is 50 and one of the oldest I know is 20. the number means nothing. And I swear to you that I will never lose that. I want that vitality, that view to last. It is who I am. I am not advanced, but in a why more advanced.

I am sick and tired of seeing things your way. Why don't you try to see them my way for once. you may be surprised at what you find. Your way almost ruined me.

Does anyone have any idea about what I am talking about? Does anyone know what I mean when I say that I believe in Magic? You see, God is what happens when you take Magic and conform it to societal philosophy. Adults lose magic. I don't even want to grow up. There is a subtle aspect to all this. I am not saying exactly what I mean. There is magic in the music. Sometimes more obvious then other times. Still no idea? Listen. That is it. That is me.

New Mexico Balloon Festival

Yesterday, we went to the New Mexico Balloon Festival to see the balloons take off. It was a really cool experience to see all those balloons in the air at one time.



I was using my dad's digital camera, which doesn't zoom that well, so I couldn't take up close pictures. Then I realised that I could take pictures through the binoculars. :-)

This is a picture of a smilie face balloon. Isn't it cute!!





Just so you can get an idea about the number of balloons that there were in the sky, here is a video:




I highly suggest coming to see this event if you ever get a chance to.

Mindfulness

So I have this belief in synchronisity. When there is a coincidence in my life, it is suppose to mean something. It means that I am heading down the right path.
Well, On thursday, I went to a Mindfulness talk at Rice sponsored by the Wellness center as an effort to reduce stress. I enjoyed it and decided that I would look into it a bit more. It reminded me a lot of the Buddhist meditation class that I went to at the Houston Buddhist temple out in Bellaire.
Anywho, I marked that on my list of things to do, but when I opened my daily read blogs this morning, one of the articles was about mindfulness. It also linked to another 43 Folders story on mindfulness.

I think that life is trying to tell me something...

BackPack + Treo Smartphone = Hot Stuff

So, I was thinking over my mind dump list from yesterday, pondering how I can organise it and I ran across these articles:
Mac Organization 1
Mac Organization 2

I have been toying with this GTD idea for a bit and wanted to see what they had to say. One of things that they mentioned as an inbox is Backpack. I had signed up for Backpack this summer and didn't use it, but I did remember that they had a mobile component. I could send emails to special emails to post things on my backpack page.

I had posted the mind dump entry from my phone, so I was looking for something that could do this. I was thinking of just creating a smart inbox and email these to-dos to myself, but that would be tedious because I would have to send an email for each item in order to be able to delete them as I did them. But Backpack solves this. I can send one email and it will seperate them into seperate check-off-able items.

Also, Backpack lets me have seperate pages so if I have a list of school to-dos, I will send them to my school page. That way, I can stay organised.

And where does the treo come in? I can store the emails in my Treo's Address book and then in the email program just type "Ba" and the list of Backpack emails comes up ready for me to send to. Now I can add to-dos to my list without actually syncing my phone!!!! W00t!

Let the to-do listing begin.

Mind Dump

Ok, I was reading a blog yesterday. And the author was discussing the art of journalling and using your blog as a mind dump. I like this idea so I am going to create a list of all of the things on my mind that I need to do or think about. Here goes:
- clean out my email program. (set up gtd in mail and tag old email.)
- set up the inbox program.
- clean off desktop
- write hatbt outline.
- finish my lrc entry form (due friday)
- finish lrc powerpoint and outline.
- research in jones school library.
- clean my car
- find my ipod and trio cable (they are in the same baggie and probably in my car)
- turn in my perscriptions to cvs (it has a drive thru, so it ain't hard. I just keep putting it off)
- begin the stratagies part of the master plan for ML.
- talk to hank about scswing accounting.
- get swing list up to date
- get the swing videos downloaded and burned.
- send out info from elizabeth meeting.
- send email to tricia
- play with photoshop
- create a zulu pad for ML
- wash my dishes.
- clean my room.
- organise drawers in room.
- pack for NM
- read for logic
- do the ungraded hw
- read for accounting
- do my ling hw
- print the ling hw
- read the selling the dream book
- finish the new age book.
- compile booklist
- look for partridge book on amazon
- read the fung swea (sp) books
- read monisorri book.
- refind keychain pages and send them
- contact some ad ppl about samples.
- find health card
- bring ppl to ice hut
- rsds website
- call photo ppl
- write about ideal self.
- pay back a drink debt.
- remind hank about nail paint
- go ice skating.
- go to the zoo
- find blog example
- email katherine
- practice breakdance basic
- create ml ppl reference sheet. (maybe use the np mana program)
- dr. list
- get slips and candy for suitcase.
- divide daily button into 2.
- look up mice
- print tix tomorrow at 4.
- email rosie
- email patrick
- download si vids from youtube
- look up german study program.
- find someone to pick me up on tuesday. (ash? Aramis?)
- laura's dishs and my money
- address book update
- download sting cd
- wash hub cap that is in my shower.
- cancel vistaprint scam.
- set dashboard screens
- give back books that I borrowed.
- ask grandpa about gift.
- get dad b-day present.
- lunch with jenny
- baking with jenny
- knitting with jenny
- houston binder
- make strudels
- make pancakes
- steph's gift
- get quilt cleaned.
- german
- chinese calligraphy
- horse class
- bowling
- orange show
- get sarah rsds info.
- check our room booking for spr. (get paul to)
- find place for jazz soiree
- book js band
- rsds tango
- account hank's rent/ money

ok. That is good for now. I need to read as much as I can today in prep for tomorrow. (reli meeting). I will probably do this again soon.

Somethings got to give...

So I discovered something (although I think I already knew it and it just never affected me). Day Light Savings Time is sweet!
As we move more to winter, the sun rises later and later. I didn't realise this until I started getting up with the sun. And have been getting up later and later. Now it is dark when I get up and that is a little ichy. I don't like waking up before the sun rises. Anywho, Day Light Savings time allows the sun to once again rise earlier. This will help me a lot when it comes to getting up. They should do this more then twice a year.

Now I just have to make it til then...

I am trying to get Organised. My newest project is my Mail. It is a disaster and I want to clean it although I lack time. I am always busy between School and Marion's Ledge. No time to clean. I am going to set aside 30 min every other day or so to clean. Both my house and my computer. I have to do something! This is crasy!

Somethings got to give....

And speaking of somethings got to give, I am reaching that mid-semester slump. My great classes are beginning to get boring because of the repetition of my schedule. Walking to school is no longer that fun, mainly because there is nothing new to see. I need a bike and a really good chain. Because I don't want to drive.

And speaking of driving...

They closed Ashby parking. It used to be allowed that you could park there after 4pm, but the rules have changed and you now can't park there till 9pm. This may mean that I will be breaking down and getting a parking permit... Something that I really don't want to do. We shall see. I will think about it.

Something with school needs to change. I am slipping back into old habits. This is not good. I wasn't feeling well on Monday so I basically skipped all my classes. (hey! I had my reasons!!) But now, I woke up this morning with the thought that I should just stay home today. Ironically though, this is also what my Ling Prof thought so that class is officially canceled. But I still have logic.

But even beyond that, I going to class and not paying attention, which is effecting things. I wish I didn't get distracted so easily. Anywho, The thought is that I should try to take note on paper and not on my computer. The computer is distracting. I think paper notes will help me focus.

I am losing a lot of time to the internet this week. And I give Hank disapproving looks (not harsh, just rolling eye looks, because I know that he enjoys those mac blogs) for spending so much time blog reading, but now I am getting sucked into the trap. This is not good. The worse one of all is Facebook. Especially with that stupid home page that tells you everything about everyone. I lost reading time yesterday by looking up friends from Highschool. ::shakes head::

I think the internet can be used correctly, and the computer with it, I just have to figure out how... Any ideas?
Maybe not allowing computer use until after I get to school.

I am not sure how to make my classes, or my walk to school, less boring and more willing to keep my attention. I have been really enjoying that walk. hum... Maybe I should listen to music on the way to school. That would keep my attention... maybe? And it is not that the classes are actually boring... They are interesting. I just have a very short attention span. Maybe sitting in the front of the class will help in Logic. I will try that.

ok, speaking of school. I better run off to it. Laters...

Today...

It has been an interesting day. For one, I didn't go to any classes. Well, I kinda did. I showed up to Logic, but I didn't feel very good so about 20 minutes of not really paying attention, I left and sat on the swing until class was over. I just was not in the mood to think. After that, I went and got a new set of braces without managing to get yelled at for waiting so long to make the appointment. But by that was over, I wasn't feeling well at all, so I went straight home and fell asleep. That was about 1:00. I finally woke up for good a little after 4, but was still so tired that I could barely walk straight. I managed to drag myself to Taft to watch the Swing lessons, but never did regain my full strength.

So, What is wrong with me?

You could say, duh Hail, you have cramps, but I think that there is something more to this. I did this a couple weeks ago as well and it was coupled with something similar to this one: forcing myself to stay awake. I didn't go to bed when I felt like it, I forced myself to stay up. (Hey, I had a good reason to!!!) But I wonder if that has something to do with how I feel.

Or I may just be thinking too much into this and it is just
that I have cramps and am low Iron or something.

I mean, last time, there was a lot of stress that accompanied my feeling bad. This time that emotional stress is not present. Sunday was great and relaxing and fun and I want a good repeat of it. There was relaxing, good food, excercise, fun and more. I am caught up on my homework except that I have a rather long book to read by thursday. And the only thing looming over my head is this leadership presentation coming up at the beginning of Nov. Nothing is really that stressful that I know about. The last stress was last Thursday about my swing, but Hank and I talked about that.

So maybe it is the cramps...

(PS. The Odwalla Super Protien Original is gross. It is orange juice based.)

Struggles...

I dream of myself being able to actaully work towards something. Really work towards something. Something hard. Really hard. I never have before. I don't have the will to. I am not really sure why I do this. I loved swing because I picked it up quickly. I got good pretty fast. And when the improving stopped. I wanted to stop. I got frusterated. I wanted to quit. Luckily I started getting better again. So I started likeing it again.

But now once again, I am not improving. I dance like me. But that seems to be settleing and I am getting to where I once again want to quit. And this time I am closer then last time. I have stopped going to Melody. And when I do, I haven't seemed to be enjoying it. And at Taft, I faked having too much to do so I didn't have to dance.

Now, don't get me wrong. I don't go to Taft because I feel I have to. I really enjoy the taft dance. I work the door. I set up the sound and lights. I feel in the know and partically in charge and I love that feeling. I wouldn't stop doing it for the world. But lately, I haven't enjoy the actual dancing part. It is like I am bored with it. I am not improving and the "work to improve" to "improvement satisfaction" ratio is not high enough. I don't want to put the work in that will allow me to get better. Therefore... I feel like quitting.

I don't think that I will quit because then I will have to face the shame of quitting. And I do enjoy it at times. Like when I was learning that routine that Ryan made up. That was awesome. I picked it up fast and it was extremely fun.

It is when I am having trouble learning something is when I have the problem. When trouble hits, Hailey wants to quit. :-( This is what is holding me back from learning to lead. I could not stand the shame of not being good. Everytime that Hank works with me on Leading, I get snappy and then I always end up regreting something. :,-( I snap when I get pressured and "I hate that!"

I don't know what to do about this. If I even think the words RSDS, I just want to scream. I wish that was not the case. But How do you change your emotions? How do I even lean that way? I don't know how to control my stress level over this?

One good example of this is the classes that I am teaching with Hank at RSDS. I am honored to get the opportunity to teach with Hank and I don't want to stop teaching with Hank, but It is just so darn frustrating. I feel that every comment I make is just dead air. I seem to say the same 3 or 4 things over and over in an attempt to say something. I want to say something. I really want to say something. If I don't say anything, I feel like I am not really one of the teachers. He could use any of the follows to fill my spot. I am expendable. I hate being expendable.

But I don't have anything to say. I understand it, but not in words. What words I do know are just things Hank says all the time that I am regurgitating. When I do have a unique idea, I can't say it. This must be how it feels to not really know english that well and always struggling for the next word. BUT ENGLISH IS MY ONLY LANGUAGE!!!

This doesn't happen only with the swing classes. I just notice it more then. No, I do this all of the time. Like the other day when I went to talk to Natalia about my leadership presentation. I didn't answer one question well. I stumbled through everything. It is like I don't actually know what I know. I store things away in a high cupboard in my mind where I can only get them down if someone pushs the cupboard over and helps me to open it.

What can I do? What can I try that will help make this better? I want to be able to talk like a normal person. I want to be able to teach like Jen does. But I just don't know how.

I have more to write about this. But I am going to save that for another day. Right now, It is my bed time and I said that i would post this before crashing. I hope that you can sleep better that that you looked into my brain a little. God Bless Blogs.

My weekend to Today

Yesterday was quite a day! This whole weekend was quite a weekend. Some highlights (and a few lowpoints):

• My phone tryed to commit suiside on friday by jumping into a cup of water when I had to brake quickly while exiting the freeway. Luckily it failed. It took 2 days to turn back on and 5 to completely dry off under the screen.

• Conversation on Friday. Good and Needed.

• My cactus now has a new home. I hope that it gets happy and stops turning yellow. :-)

• I presented Marion's Ledge to my Leadership Rice class yesterday and got a ton of feedback. We did an excercise where I presented for 5 min and then they asked me questions and I was not allowed to answer. It was great! I also had a meeting with a friend that is an architecture student and she gave me advise about the building and lots to research and think about.

• I learned that 200,000 bricks that are 1.5 X 3 inchs will take over 600 ft of 15 ft wallspace to display. That is a lot. This is what I did during my ling class.

• At half price, I discovered a book called "Selling the Dream" that is about how to evangelise anything. It is a really good book and it has totally been taking me away from the Hannagraf book that I am suppose to be reading. :-> I got a great quote from it: "You may be rich. You may be famous. You may be popular. But you won't amount to much unless you change the world."

• Last night I went to the Rice Eonfire meeting. It is a new club that is about Social Entrepenourship and is associated with Leadership Rice. Through that, I am going to get consultant training. Woot. That should help with Marion's Ledge.

• I haven't downloaded any good freeware lately. :-/

This entry is probably not that interesting to anyone. But I thought that I would write it anyway. I haven't wrote in a while.

I am currently at Taft and just finished doing A LOT of accounting. I did my homework for both today and for thursday, so it took a while. And all with a very bad headache. But that gave me an excuse to buy a Dr. Pepper. I think that heart pains are better then a migrane. :-/ I now have a choice to either read an article on customers for my Leadership class or read the hanagraff book for Religion. I think that the hanagraf book sounds more appealing. It is about the New Age movement and what it concises of.

Ok... Back to Homework...