Facing myself

I sometime don't like talking to people. No, not in the normal nice social sense, but in the "I have something hard to ask you or tell you" sense. I have never been very good at it. I have an idea as to why I am this way, but I wish I weren't this way. I can't say anything hard to anyone. I have managed it a couple times this year, but only to one person and after they pinned me down and let me cry for an hour until I finally spit it out. These things are really bothering me and I will feel better if I talk about them, but I am afraid to. What if things don't go as well as I would hope? What if the conversation changes things between us? So I just hold it all in.

I recently had an idea that may help with this. I am going to write a letter to everyone in my life that I have something hard to say to. There will be a bunch of letters. Ironically, the longest letters will be to the people in my life that I am closest to. I probably won't get around to this till around christmas, but if you are close to me, be on the lookout for a letter of complete honesty. And if these letters change things, well, I can only hope for the better.

And I may write some completely positive ones too.

Struggles...

I dream of myself being able to actaully work towards something. Really work towards something. Something hard. Really hard. I never have before. I don't have the will to. I am not really sure why I do this. I loved swing because I picked it up quickly. I got good pretty fast. And when the improving stopped. I wanted to stop. I got frusterated. I wanted to quit. Luckily I started getting better again. So I started likeing it again.

But now once again, I am not improving. I dance like me. But that seems to be settleing and I am getting to where I once again want to quit. And this time I am closer then last time. I have stopped going to Melody. And when I do, I haven't seemed to be enjoying it. And at Taft, I faked having too much to do so I didn't have to dance.

Now, don't get me wrong. I don't go to Taft because I feel I have to. I really enjoy the taft dance. I work the door. I set up the sound and lights. I feel in the know and partically in charge and I love that feeling. I wouldn't stop doing it for the world. But lately, I haven't enjoy the actual dancing part. It is like I am bored with it. I am not improving and the "work to improve" to "improvement satisfaction" ratio is not high enough. I don't want to put the work in that will allow me to get better. Therefore... I feel like quitting.

I don't think that I will quit because then I will have to face the shame of quitting. And I do enjoy it at times. Like when I was learning that routine that Ryan made up. That was awesome. I picked it up fast and it was extremely fun.

It is when I am having trouble learning something is when I have the problem. When trouble hits, Hailey wants to quit. :-( This is what is holding me back from learning to lead. I could not stand the shame of not being good. Everytime that Hank works with me on Leading, I get snappy and then I always end up regreting something. :,-( I snap when I get pressured and "I hate that!"

I don't know what to do about this. If I even think the words RSDS, I just want to scream. I wish that was not the case. But How do you change your emotions? How do I even lean that way? I don't know how to control my stress level over this?

One good example of this is the classes that I am teaching with Hank at RSDS. I am honored to get the opportunity to teach with Hank and I don't want to stop teaching with Hank, but It is just so darn frustrating. I feel that every comment I make is just dead air. I seem to say the same 3 or 4 things over and over in an attempt to say something. I want to say something. I really want to say something. If I don't say anything, I feel like I am not really one of the teachers. He could use any of the follows to fill my spot. I am expendable. I hate being expendable.

But I don't have anything to say. I understand it, but not in words. What words I do know are just things Hank says all the time that I am regurgitating. When I do have a unique idea, I can't say it. This must be how it feels to not really know english that well and always struggling for the next word. BUT ENGLISH IS MY ONLY LANGUAGE!!!

This doesn't happen only with the swing classes. I just notice it more then. No, I do this all of the time. Like the other day when I went to talk to Natalia about my leadership presentation. I didn't answer one question well. I stumbled through everything. It is like I don't actually know what I know. I store things away in a high cupboard in my mind where I can only get them down if someone pushs the cupboard over and helps me to open it.

What can I do? What can I try that will help make this better? I want to be able to talk like a normal person. I want to be able to teach like Jen does. But I just don't know how.

I have more to write about this. But I am going to save that for another day. Right now, It is my bed time and I said that i would post this before crashing. I hope that you can sleep better that that you looked into my brain a little. God Bless Blogs.