Every once in a while a thought crosses my head saying, "what would it be like if I just dropped out?" Sometimes it sticks on, "and run away". Today, the thought didn't have the ending. Now don't worry, I am not going to drop out of school any more than I am going to drive off a cliff when I wonder what it would be like to do that. But these thoughts are there. We all have such thoughts from time to time.

But these thoughts still make me stop and wonder. Is there something wrong with the flow of my life? Is it good to just look at everything that you have to do and sit there like a 6-year-old screaming, "But I don't wanna!!!!" Granted my version is a bit more pg-13 rated today. Can I just blame that on hormones? I'd like to think so.

But there is a serious thought wading in the back of my mind. Not about dropping out, but about living. I spend hours every day on productivity. Searching for that best system. Always trying something new. See what works an what does not. When am I productive and when am I not. Despite that, I still haven't implemented any version of GTD. And the list does nothing but build.

I think there is a lot of anger in me. Granted, again, it may just be hormones. What else could I be mad at? but there are moments when I just break down and snap at people. Or fight the world. I usually regret it. Like that time that I snapped at Hank when Hank wasn't really the person I was mad at, but I couldn't snap at them and they were making me even more angry just by being there. Hank was the next person to interact and I just let him have it. After that I just broke down completely, apologizing profusely.

I had a study abroad appointment yesterday. I went in and asked for the easiest program they had. The lady just stared at me. That isn't the attitude she was looking for, but it is my attitude. I no longer want to push myself in school. I no long want to go to grad school. I may go back. But not right now. I have 4 really easy semesters in front of me. I say easy because I am going to make them easy. All I need is 3 classes a semester, plus one elective. That makes 12 hours, which is what I need to be full time. No longer am I going to be taking 15 hours. No longer am I even going to try to. I just want to do my work and learn my programming and be joyful.

To be honest, Swing is falling lower and lower on my enjoying list. I enjoy helping with the ScSwing dance (I feel needed), and I enjoy doing outreach like Ryan and I did at that middle school. And I hope that I will enjoy teaching intermediate swing next semester, but beyond that, I haven't been enjoying it. Granted, there are always fun moments. Moments when I do things grand and I know it. But for every one of those, there are 2 painful ones; 2 flubs, trips, bad thoughts. And add that with all the crappy social issues the compound on top of all the good social issues and It leaves me feeling drained and upset. I won't me able to take it much longer. Sorry everyone. I won't even be coming to the Monday lessons at taft next semester, sadly, unless of course I am needed to fill in. Although that just has to do with bad scheduling (a class) more then distaste. That is the only place I truly feel comfortable dancing at. That is, as long as none of the students ask me questions.

As I sit here writing this, I have a lot to do, and absolutely no will to do any of it. All I really want to do is curl in a ball and go to sleep.

Finding Your Calling

A man who becomes conscious of the responsibility he bears toward a human being who affectionately waits for him, or to an unfinished work, will never be able to throw away his life. He knows the "why" for his existence, and will be able to bear almost any "how." - Victor Frankl

I just got out of a presentation about Acton MBA. Acton is an entrepreneurship MBA program in Austin that is very different from other MBA programs. For one thing, it is just a year, which means they work you like crazy for that year. An Acton student works more then 100 hours per week on Acton work. (To compare, I am at Rice and I work about 20 - 25 hours a week on school, 10 in the class and about 10 - 15 on homework and studies.) You are not allowed to miss class, and class starts at 6 AM every day of the week. But they are good at what they do: teaching people to run businesses and find their calling.

An idea from the Acton presentation is that there are three things that you can do in your life:

1. Get a Job - A job is something that you do to get money in order to go do what you want to do. It is sad that so many people spend their whole lives in jobs always watching the clock for time to go out and actually live their lives. A job is summarize in a song that I love to hate, Get Drunk and Be Somebody by Toby Keith:
   

   Well all week long I'm a real nobody, But I just punched out and its paycheck Friday, Weekends here, good God almighty, I'm going to get drunk and be somebody.

2. Get a Career - It's a tiny bit better then a job. At least you are working towards something, right? Well, if you are climbing that ladder, working towards that big house and corner office, struggling up and up that Caterpillar pile, will you be happy when you get there? When is there? Jeff mentioned that a lot of the people who get to the top just want to go higher. And the people who almost make it, but can't quite get there usually get fired and have to go back to the bottom again. Now, who wants a career?
   
3. Lastly, you can find a calling. And this is the Acton way.
   

The "Find Your Calling" thing intrigued me. Someone asked the presenter, who was Jeff Sandefer, one of the founders of Acton, about how someone would go about doing this. He gave a easy sounding 3 step process:

1. Find what you are good at. - Ask everyone you know what they think that you are good at. You will have to probe, because people like to give superficial answers to this question, but if you probe enough people, you will begin to see a trend. And you will be surprised because it will probably be something that you find so easy that you think there must be plenty of other people that are good at it.
   
2. Find what you love doing. - For this, he brought up the concept of flow. Think about things that you have done in the past year that you have completely lost track of time while doing. Things that you love doing just for the sake of doing. Doing those activities should bring you so much joy that it is no longer about competing with others or any other outside motivator that matters.
   
3. Find a way that you can impact the world. - How can you take what you are good at and love doing and do something with them that impacts the world.
   

One of the projects that they make Acton students do is go out and interview 9 people, 3 from each age group 20-45, 45-60, beyond 60. He said that students find that people that are older then 60 will look back on their lives and say that only 2 things really matter:

• Did I live a good and ethical life?
• Did I impact the world in a meaningful way?
  

I had heard this before, but it really hits home, especially compared with my own personal philosophy about life. I must make a meaningful impact. I, as I always am, will be working towards answering these questions. That is really what life is all about. As the Dalai Lama puts it:

What is the meaning of life? To be happy and useful.

Facing myself

I sometime don't like talking to people. No, not in the normal nice social sense, but in the "I have something hard to ask you or tell you" sense. I have never been very good at it. I have an idea as to why I am this way, but I wish I weren't this way. I can't say anything hard to anyone. I have managed it a couple times this year, but only to one person and after they pinned me down and let me cry for an hour until I finally spit it out. These things are really bothering me and I will feel better if I talk about them, but I am afraid to. What if things don't go as well as I would hope? What if the conversation changes things between us? So I just hold it all in.

I recently had an idea that may help with this. I am going to write a letter to everyone in my life that I have something hard to say to. There will be a bunch of letters. Ironically, the longest letters will be to the people in my life that I am closest to. I probably won't get around to this till around christmas, but if you are close to me, be on the lookout for a letter of complete honesty. And if these letters change things, well, I can only hope for the better.

And I may write some completely positive ones too.

The Mark List

This is a list of things to live by that I wrote based on my time hanging out with Mark. If you don't know who Mark is ask me later. We were friends before I came to Rice.

• Be nice to Everyone.
Mark was the kind of person that would do something nice for anyone, even if that person wasn't nice to him.

• Money is great, but be willing to give some to someone in need.
There was one time when I was riding with Mark over to the new house when he saw a car on the side of the road that seemed to be out of gas. He pulled over and asked the driver what was wrong. The driver told him that he was on his way to work and didn't have any money and ran out of gas. Mark immediately pulled out $5 and gave it to him. What I nice thing to do, I thought. We climbed back into Mark's truck and he noticed that he needed gas as well so we drove over to the gas station. When we got there, Mark pulled out $2 and was about to jump out of the truck. I asked him if that was all he was putting in. His response was "That's all I have". I offered to loan him $10. He looked down. "No, this is ALL I have" meaning that there wasn't any more money anywhere else. He had gaved almost all of the money that he had to help the man who was out of gas. Even if it put him in a similar situation. I payed for the gas.

• Be Spontaneous, You'll get where you are going eventually.
This is the one that I actively quote. You may have heard me say it before. Going anywhere with Mark was an adventure because we would spontaneously stop at about 4 different places before hand. We never got anywhere very fast. And it was great!

• Don't be scaried to say "I Love You"
Mark said "I love you" to everyone he considered a real friend. Me, Steve, my mom, My grandmother, the list goes on and on. He believed that people are way to reserved about saying it. (It always made Steve uncomfortable).

• These is no such thing as "Luck"
This is the only one that I may seem to not do for. I am always saying that I am lucky. But I think that Mark's definition of Luck is a tad bit different then mine. I believe that luck is the magic of life. It is the things in our lives that make us happy. Mark used the term to mean that if you had it everything was easy and you didn't have to work for anything. I do believe this. I do have to work at get things. And when I do, I am creating my own luck.

• Have Faith and Read you Bible
Mark and I used to go to church together, which was always an adventure because of the people that Mark knew at the church. We were always the last to leave. But Mark had tremendous faith. One day, I will post thr story of the fisherman and the coin. Truely inspiring.

• Laugh, even when you have no good reason to do so.
I have a funky laugh and Mark used to try to make me laugh to hear it. He would also make himself laugh so hard that most of the time he could not finish the jokes that he started without calming down first.

• Candles are your friend
I remember the mornings waking up and coming into the kitchen and there being 20 candles burning around the living room. It was gorgeous and smelled wonderful. Mark would sneek in before we got up and cleaned up and lit candles. What a great way to wake up.

• Don't be afraid to have fun
This is Mark's way of saying don't grow up. Alway keep that child's perspective on things. Children view the world with magic. Most adult lose that. But despite it all, Mark still had it.

• Salvage
This one was the theme of the year. My parents had an architectural salvage store that I worked at in Highschool. But I have always been a salvager. Mark reminded me just how fun reusing junk is.

• Remember that guys suck
You know the sex talk that you are suppose to get from your parents? Well, I didn't get it from my parents. I got it from Mark. He warned me that all guys my age just want sex and that you can't trust any of them. He was just worried about me.

• You can do it.
He wrote this on every letter he sent me. I would always tell me that I could do anything that I set my mind to. (This is coming from a guy who thought I was a genious because I knew what 3 X 3 was.) :-)

Kenny says it better then I can.

Every now and then I get a little lost
My strings all get tangled, my wires all get crossed
Every now and then I'm right up on the edge
Dangling my toes out over the ledge

I have been known to get frazzled from time to time, usually by being extra stressed about something. Whether it be social strain or too much work, I can't seem to stop myself from getting frazzled. I keep being told about how little the things that I am crying about really are, and I think I know that, but I get into this generalities mode and therefore generalize things to bigger then just the specific activity. That, or I the real thing that is bothering is completely different from what set me off. When I am like this, I am like a trigger ready to be set off. Crying is like therpy, I feel better afterwards - I can focus better afterwards (once I stop crying) - things get better.

I know that I should look on the positive side of things, but I am addicted to this and I don't know how to stop. Call it a current charater flaw. I am not sure of any practical steps to take to lean the correct direction. Just stopping is definitely not working. It seems to just cause me to stress out even more. I just need to lean that direction.

I know that one day, something will happen that I really cry about. And that scares me more than anything. I don't think about that and instead focus on the present, for that is all that we really can do.

I know that I will look back and see that I have now more then I think that I do. And maybe I will look back and think that I can actually talk better then I think that I can. Verbally write better then I think that I can.

I think I can, I think I can. And he could. As can I. But why do I keep thinking about just letting it slip? I am not a quiter.

I've been looking for something
Something I've never seen
We're all looking for something
Something to be

A Repost from LJ

I wrote this on June 12, 2006 on my LJ. I had forgotten about it and just re-found it so I decided to repost it on blogger.

.......

why is it that I totally hate the most dominate philosophy/belief in society today? (think economics, not religion) There are 3 types of people in this world. those who work, those who don't, and those who live. Go ahead and chalk this up to youth, but maybe that is exactly what it is. I mean, youth has nothing to do with age. One of the youngest people I know is 50 and one of the oldest I know is 20. the number means nothing. And I swear to you that I will never lose that. I want that vitality, that view to last. It is who I am. I am not advanced, but in a why more advanced.

I am sick and tired of seeing things your way. Why don't you try to see them my way for once. you may be surprised at what you find. Your way almost ruined me.

Does anyone have any idea about what I am talking about? Does anyone know what I mean when I say that I believe in Magic? You see, God is what happens when you take Magic and conform it to societal philosophy. Adults lose magic. I don't even want to grow up. There is a subtle aspect to all this. I am not saying exactly what I mean. There is magic in the music. Sometimes more obvious then other times. Still no idea? Listen. That is it. That is me.

Somethings got to give...

So I discovered something (although I think I already knew it and it just never affected me). Day Light Savings Time is sweet!
As we move more to winter, the sun rises later and later. I didn't realise this until I started getting up with the sun. And have been getting up later and later. Now it is dark when I get up and that is a little ichy. I don't like waking up before the sun rises. Anywho, Day Light Savings time allows the sun to once again rise earlier. This will help me a lot when it comes to getting up. They should do this more then twice a year.

Now I just have to make it til then...

I am trying to get Organised. My newest project is my Mail. It is a disaster and I want to clean it although I lack time. I am always busy between School and Marion's Ledge. No time to clean. I am going to set aside 30 min every other day or so to clean. Both my house and my computer. I have to do something! This is crasy!

Somethings got to give....

And speaking of somethings got to give, I am reaching that mid-semester slump. My great classes are beginning to get boring because of the repetition of my schedule. Walking to school is no longer that fun, mainly because there is nothing new to see. I need a bike and a really good chain. Because I don't want to drive.

And speaking of driving...

They closed Ashby parking. It used to be allowed that you could park there after 4pm, but the rules have changed and you now can't park there till 9pm. This may mean that I will be breaking down and getting a parking permit... Something that I really don't want to do. We shall see. I will think about it.

Something with school needs to change. I am slipping back into old habits. This is not good. I wasn't feeling well on Monday so I basically skipped all my classes. (hey! I had my reasons!!) But now, I woke up this morning with the thought that I should just stay home today. Ironically though, this is also what my Ling Prof thought so that class is officially canceled. But I still have logic.

But even beyond that, I going to class and not paying attention, which is effecting things. I wish I didn't get distracted so easily. Anywho, The thought is that I should try to take note on paper and not on my computer. The computer is distracting. I think paper notes will help me focus.

I am losing a lot of time to the internet this week. And I give Hank disapproving looks (not harsh, just rolling eye looks, because I know that he enjoys those mac blogs) for spending so much time blog reading, but now I am getting sucked into the trap. This is not good. The worse one of all is Facebook. Especially with that stupid home page that tells you everything about everyone. I lost reading time yesterday by looking up friends from Highschool. ::shakes head::

I think the internet can be used correctly, and the computer with it, I just have to figure out how... Any ideas?
Maybe not allowing computer use until after I get to school.

I am not sure how to make my classes, or my walk to school, less boring and more willing to keep my attention. I have been really enjoying that walk. hum... Maybe I should listen to music on the way to school. That would keep my attention... maybe? And it is not that the classes are actually boring... They are interesting. I just have a very short attention span. Maybe sitting in the front of the class will help in Logic. I will try that.

ok, speaking of school. I better run off to it. Laters...

Crasy
I'm Thinking
Just wondern' if the world is round
I am here
dancing on the ground
every little right side up
or upside down
Is this real?
Or am I dreaming?

The world is well. At least in my life!! :-) Everything is going wonderfully right now. It is like all the I have been working on throughout my life is coming together. I am waking up early! I am walking to school! I love my classes! I just got an A+ on my Logic test!

It is awesome when the world just works. Everything is in sync. Dreams lead me. I follow. I do. I don't try. I have learned that if you just go with the flow, life can be good. It can be one hell of a ride if you let it be.

Do you believe in Magic
In a young girl's heart?
The music can free her
whenever it starts.
I'd tell you bout the magic
Let it free your soul
But it's like trying to tell a stranger
about Rock 'n' Roll.

I recently read "Beyond Theology" by Alan Watts. It is a really good book and I would recommend it for anyone interested in Christianity and/or Hinduism. It takes the idea that Hinduism is true but that Christianity can fit nicely within the frame of reference of Hinduism. It gives an appealing interp to Christianity.

My Word!! The weather today is amazing!! I have my windows open and the attic fan on and it is awesome in this apartment. I actually feels like fall and it is not technically fall yet. (ok, 2 days is close enough, but still) I makes me just happy to be alive and breathing.

So Basically:
Life is GOOD!!
Enjoy it!!

Me Now

I have ignored this blog for a long time in favor of my Live Journal, but no longer. I am tired of LJ. It is time to return to the joy of blogger.

....

It is amazing what one summer can do to a life.

Change.

It is amazing what one year can do it a life.

More Change.

I am no longer the person that I was a year ago.

- I am no longer a physics major.
- I am no longer stuck in a book that I read to read and not to remember.
- I am no longer straining for something that I have found to not be real and true to my life.
- I have a new mission. A New Goal.
- I am no longer so stuck in the Academic world that I am afraid to leave it.

....

And though all that, I have begun to re-discover myself as I used to be.

Imagine:
As much as a hippie as I could be with my mother around.
+ Loving life.
+ Seeing that majic that is everywhere in the world.
+ Having a high Self-esteem.
+ On a mission. From the Universe.
= free spirit, loving her world.

How did Christianity make such a bad impression on me. I mean really? Its not that bad. The religion isn't. It is the church that I seem to keep having problems with. They just are not very open. At least most are not.

I have also learned that you don't have to be coniving to survive in life. I am still learning this one.

....

I am still growing and still learning, but I know my path. My path is to follow the unpath, where ever it may lead me. Putting one foot in front of the other.

Time to get to Work.....