Every once in a while a thought crosses my head saying, "what would it be like if I just dropped out?" Sometimes it sticks on, "and run away". Today, the thought didn't have the ending. Now don't worry, I am not going to drop out of school any more than I am going to drive off a cliff when I wonder what it would be like to do that. But these thoughts are there. We all have such thoughts from time to time.

But these thoughts still make me stop and wonder. Is there something wrong with the flow of my life? Is it good to just look at everything that you have to do and sit there like a 6-year-old screaming, "But I don't wanna!!!!" Granted my version is a bit more pg-13 rated today. Can I just blame that on hormones? I'd like to think so.

But there is a serious thought wading in the back of my mind. Not about dropping out, but about living. I spend hours every day on productivity. Searching for that best system. Always trying something new. See what works an what does not. When am I productive and when am I not. Despite that, I still haven't implemented any version of GTD. And the list does nothing but build.

I think there is a lot of anger in me. Granted, again, it may just be hormones. What else could I be mad at? but there are moments when I just break down and snap at people. Or fight the world. I usually regret it. Like that time that I snapped at Hank when Hank wasn't really the person I was mad at, but I couldn't snap at them and they were making me even more angry just by being there. Hank was the next person to interact and I just let him have it. After that I just broke down completely, apologizing profusely.

I had a study abroad appointment yesterday. I went in and asked for the easiest program they had. The lady just stared at me. That isn't the attitude she was looking for, but it is my attitude. I no longer want to push myself in school. I no long want to go to grad school. I may go back. But not right now. I have 4 really easy semesters in front of me. I say easy because I am going to make them easy. All I need is 3 classes a semester, plus one elective. That makes 12 hours, which is what I need to be full time. No longer am I going to be taking 15 hours. No longer am I even going to try to. I just want to do my work and learn my programming and be joyful.

To be honest, Swing is falling lower and lower on my enjoying list. I enjoy helping with the ScSwing dance (I feel needed), and I enjoy doing outreach like Ryan and I did at that middle school. And I hope that I will enjoy teaching intermediate swing next semester, but beyond that, I haven't been enjoying it. Granted, there are always fun moments. Moments when I do things grand and I know it. But for every one of those, there are 2 painful ones; 2 flubs, trips, bad thoughts. And add that with all the crappy social issues the compound on top of all the good social issues and It leaves me feeling drained and upset. I won't me able to take it much longer. Sorry everyone. I won't even be coming to the Monday lessons at taft next semester, sadly, unless of course I am needed to fill in. Although that just has to do with bad scheduling (a class) more then distaste. That is the only place I truly feel comfortable dancing at. That is, as long as none of the students ask me questions.

As I sit here writing this, I have a lot to do, and absolutely no will to do any of it. All I really want to do is curl in a ball and go to sleep.

Facing myself

I sometime don't like talking to people. No, not in the normal nice social sense, but in the "I have something hard to ask you or tell you" sense. I have never been very good at it. I have an idea as to why I am this way, but I wish I weren't this way. I can't say anything hard to anyone. I have managed it a couple times this year, but only to one person and after they pinned me down and let me cry for an hour until I finally spit it out. These things are really bothering me and I will feel better if I talk about them, but I am afraid to. What if things don't go as well as I would hope? What if the conversation changes things between us? So I just hold it all in.

I recently had an idea that may help with this. I am going to write a letter to everyone in my life that I have something hard to say to. There will be a bunch of letters. Ironically, the longest letters will be to the people in my life that I am closest to. I probably won't get around to this till around christmas, but if you are close to me, be on the lookout for a letter of complete honesty. And if these letters change things, well, I can only hope for the better.

And I may write some completely positive ones too.

Kenny says it better then I can.

Every now and then I get a little lost
My strings all get tangled, my wires all get crossed
Every now and then I'm right up on the edge
Dangling my toes out over the ledge

I have been known to get frazzled from time to time, usually by being extra stressed about something. Whether it be social strain or too much work, I can't seem to stop myself from getting frazzled. I keep being told about how little the things that I am crying about really are, and I think I know that, but I get into this generalities mode and therefore generalize things to bigger then just the specific activity. That, or I the real thing that is bothering is completely different from what set me off. When I am like this, I am like a trigger ready to be set off. Crying is like therpy, I feel better afterwards - I can focus better afterwards (once I stop crying) - things get better.

I know that I should look on the positive side of things, but I am addicted to this and I don't know how to stop. Call it a current charater flaw. I am not sure of any practical steps to take to lean the correct direction. Just stopping is definitely not working. It seems to just cause me to stress out even more. I just need to lean that direction.

I know that one day, something will happen that I really cry about. And that scares me more than anything. I don't think about that and instead focus on the present, for that is all that we really can do.

I know that I will look back and see that I have now more then I think that I do. And maybe I will look back and think that I can actually talk better then I think that I can. Verbally write better then I think that I can.

I think I can, I think I can. And he could. As can I. But why do I keep thinking about just letting it slip? I am not a quiter.

I've been looking for something
Something I've never seen
We're all looking for something
Something to be

Somethings got to give...

So I discovered something (although I think I already knew it and it just never affected me). Day Light Savings Time is sweet!
As we move more to winter, the sun rises later and later. I didn't realise this until I started getting up with the sun. And have been getting up later and later. Now it is dark when I get up and that is a little ichy. I don't like waking up before the sun rises. Anywho, Day Light Savings time allows the sun to once again rise earlier. This will help me a lot when it comes to getting up. They should do this more then twice a year.

Now I just have to make it til then...

I am trying to get Organised. My newest project is my Mail. It is a disaster and I want to clean it although I lack time. I am always busy between School and Marion's Ledge. No time to clean. I am going to set aside 30 min every other day or so to clean. Both my house and my computer. I have to do something! This is crasy!

Somethings got to give....

And speaking of somethings got to give, I am reaching that mid-semester slump. My great classes are beginning to get boring because of the repetition of my schedule. Walking to school is no longer that fun, mainly because there is nothing new to see. I need a bike and a really good chain. Because I don't want to drive.

And speaking of driving...

They closed Ashby parking. It used to be allowed that you could park there after 4pm, but the rules have changed and you now can't park there till 9pm. This may mean that I will be breaking down and getting a parking permit... Something that I really don't want to do. We shall see. I will think about it.

Something with school needs to change. I am slipping back into old habits. This is not good. I wasn't feeling well on Monday so I basically skipped all my classes. (hey! I had my reasons!!) But now, I woke up this morning with the thought that I should just stay home today. Ironically though, this is also what my Ling Prof thought so that class is officially canceled. But I still have logic.

But even beyond that, I going to class and not paying attention, which is effecting things. I wish I didn't get distracted so easily. Anywho, The thought is that I should try to take note on paper and not on my computer. The computer is distracting. I think paper notes will help me focus.

I am losing a lot of time to the internet this week. And I give Hank disapproving looks (not harsh, just rolling eye looks, because I know that he enjoys those mac blogs) for spending so much time blog reading, but now I am getting sucked into the trap. This is not good. The worse one of all is Facebook. Especially with that stupid home page that tells you everything about everyone. I lost reading time yesterday by looking up friends from Highschool. ::shakes head::

I think the internet can be used correctly, and the computer with it, I just have to figure out how... Any ideas?
Maybe not allowing computer use until after I get to school.

I am not sure how to make my classes, or my walk to school, less boring and more willing to keep my attention. I have been really enjoying that walk. hum... Maybe I should listen to music on the way to school. That would keep my attention... maybe? And it is not that the classes are actually boring... They are interesting. I just have a very short attention span. Maybe sitting in the front of the class will help in Logic. I will try that.

ok, speaking of school. I better run off to it. Laters...

Struggles...

I dream of myself being able to actaully work towards something. Really work towards something. Something hard. Really hard. I never have before. I don't have the will to. I am not really sure why I do this. I loved swing because I picked it up quickly. I got good pretty fast. And when the improving stopped. I wanted to stop. I got frusterated. I wanted to quit. Luckily I started getting better again. So I started likeing it again.

But now once again, I am not improving. I dance like me. But that seems to be settleing and I am getting to where I once again want to quit. And this time I am closer then last time. I have stopped going to Melody. And when I do, I haven't seemed to be enjoying it. And at Taft, I faked having too much to do so I didn't have to dance.

Now, don't get me wrong. I don't go to Taft because I feel I have to. I really enjoy the taft dance. I work the door. I set up the sound and lights. I feel in the know and partically in charge and I love that feeling. I wouldn't stop doing it for the world. But lately, I haven't enjoy the actual dancing part. It is like I am bored with it. I am not improving and the "work to improve" to "improvement satisfaction" ratio is not high enough. I don't want to put the work in that will allow me to get better. Therefore... I feel like quitting.

I don't think that I will quit because then I will have to face the shame of quitting. And I do enjoy it at times. Like when I was learning that routine that Ryan made up. That was awesome. I picked it up fast and it was extremely fun.

It is when I am having trouble learning something is when I have the problem. When trouble hits, Hailey wants to quit. :-( This is what is holding me back from learning to lead. I could not stand the shame of not being good. Everytime that Hank works with me on Leading, I get snappy and then I always end up regreting something. :,-( I snap when I get pressured and "I hate that!"

I don't know what to do about this. If I even think the words RSDS, I just want to scream. I wish that was not the case. But How do you change your emotions? How do I even lean that way? I don't know how to control my stress level over this?

One good example of this is the classes that I am teaching with Hank at RSDS. I am honored to get the opportunity to teach with Hank and I don't want to stop teaching with Hank, but It is just so darn frustrating. I feel that every comment I make is just dead air. I seem to say the same 3 or 4 things over and over in an attempt to say something. I want to say something. I really want to say something. If I don't say anything, I feel like I am not really one of the teachers. He could use any of the follows to fill my spot. I am expendable. I hate being expendable.

But I don't have anything to say. I understand it, but not in words. What words I do know are just things Hank says all the time that I am regurgitating. When I do have a unique idea, I can't say it. This must be how it feels to not really know english that well and always struggling for the next word. BUT ENGLISH IS MY ONLY LANGUAGE!!!

This doesn't happen only with the swing classes. I just notice it more then. No, I do this all of the time. Like the other day when I went to talk to Natalia about my leadership presentation. I didn't answer one question well. I stumbled through everything. It is like I don't actually know what I know. I store things away in a high cupboard in my mind where I can only get them down if someone pushs the cupboard over and helps me to open it.

What can I do? What can I try that will help make this better? I want to be able to talk like a normal person. I want to be able to teach like Jen does. But I just don't know how.

I have more to write about this. But I am going to save that for another day. Right now, It is my bed time and I said that i would post this before crashing. I hope that you can sleep better that that you looked into my brain a little. God Bless Blogs.