Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Every once in a while a thought crosses my head saying, "what would it be like if I just dropped out?" Sometimes it sticks on, "and run away". Today, the thought didn't have the ending. Now don't worry, I am not going to drop out of school any more than I am going to drive off a cliff when I wonder what it would be like to do that. But these thoughts are there. We all have such thoughts from time to time.

But these thoughts still make me stop and wonder. Is there something wrong with the flow of my life? Is it good to just look at everything that you have to do and sit there like a 6-year-old screaming, "But I don't wanna!!!!" Granted my version is a bit more pg-13 rated today. Can I just blame that on hormones? I'd like to think so.

But there is a serious thought wading in the back of my mind. Not about dropping out, but about living. I spend hours every day on productivity. Searching for that best system. Always trying something new. See what works an what does not. When am I productive and when am I not. Despite that, I still haven't implemented any version of GTD. And the list does nothing but build.

I think there is a lot of anger in me. Granted, again, it may just be hormones. What else could I be mad at? but there are moments when I just break down and snap at people. Or fight the world. I usually regret it. Like that time that I snapped at Hank when Hank wasn't really the person I was mad at, but I couldn't snap at them and they were making me even more angry just by being there. Hank was the next person to interact and I just let him have it. After that I just broke down completely, apologizing profusely.

I had a study abroad appointment yesterday. I went in and asked for the easiest program they had. The lady just stared at me. That isn't the attitude she was looking for, but it is my attitude. I no longer want to push myself in school. I no long want to go to grad school. I may go back. But not right now. I have 4 really easy semesters in front of me. I say easy because I am going to make them easy. All I need is 3 classes a semester, plus one elective. That makes 12 hours, which is what I need to be full time. No longer am I going to be taking 15 hours. No longer am I even going to try to. I just want to do my work and learn my programming and be joyful.

To be honest, Swing is falling lower and lower on my enjoying list. I enjoy helping with the ScSwing dance (I feel needed), and I enjoy doing outreach like Ryan and I did at that middle school. And I hope that I will enjoy teaching intermediate swing next semester, but beyond that, I haven't been enjoying it. Granted, there are always fun moments. Moments when I do things grand and I know it. But for every one of those, there are 2 painful ones; 2 flubs, trips, bad thoughts. And add that with all the crappy social issues the compound on top of all the good social issues and It leaves me feeling drained and upset. I won't me able to take it much longer. Sorry everyone. I won't even be coming to the Monday lessons at taft next semester, sadly, unless of course I am needed to fill in. Although that just has to do with bad scheduling (a class) more then distaste. That is the only place I truly feel comfortable dancing at. That is, as long as none of the students ask me questions.

As I sit here writing this, I have a lot to do, and absolutely no will to do any of it. All I really want to do is curl in a ball and go to sleep.

Horizontal Rule


Anonymous said...

Yep, running the club does that to you. I hope you feel better about things soon.

Drive carefully tomorrow, and merry christmas.


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Horizontal Rule